


everything that feels is broken (but slowly heals)

by bananamhlk



Series: i'm projecting [2]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Fluff, Heavy Angst, Hospitalization, Idol Life, Idols, Lee Minho | Lee Know-centric, M/M, No Smut, Panic Attacks, Self Harm, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Therapy, WAIT FORGOT SOMETHING AGAIN, but they'll get together eventually or marisa will kill me, forgot sumn, hate comments, i was tagging this before i finished writing, im so sorry minho, minor fluff, minsung if you squint, okay thats it lmao, self harm other than cutting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-05
Updated: 2019-08-05
Packaged: 2020-08-10 03:34:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20128678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bananamhlk/pseuds/bananamhlk
Summary: idol life had always been hard. in all honesty, it was supposed to.busy schedules and continuous comebacks lead to sleepless nights, and the fame was always followed by some type of feedback. sometimes it was good, and sometimes it was bad.some idols, fall victim to the criticism they receive. to all the hateful comments, the rude remarks. it was stupid.or at least that is what lee minho had thought.





	everything that feels is broken (but slowly heals)

**Author's Note:**

> tw//  
this deals with like really dark topics, and gets pretty angsty. read at your own risk.
> 
> twitter oomfies who read this don't be concerned about me based off of what i wrote you don't have to be xoxo
> 
> i didn't want to write out minho's note at the end because that triggers me but it is mentioned.
> 
> p.s. the 'jihyo' in this isn't twice jihyo its another jihyo because in this story they're still idols but ngl i literally just thought of baby jihyo so by all means imagine baby jihyo,,, we're all gay for her anyways imagining seven year old her is cute

idol life had always been hard. in all honesty, it was supposed to.

busy schedules and continuous comebacks lead to sleepless nights, and the fame was always followed by some type of feedback. sometimes it was good, and sometimes it was bad.

some idols, fall victim to the criticism they receive. to all the hateful comments, the rude remarks. it was stupid.

or at least that is what lee minho had thought.

+

all nine of the members sat hip to hip, yelling at the camera as all their fans commented under their vlive. it was comeback season, a tour coming up next, and they had to go live just to speak to stays, to speak about what they had thought.

the eight others were spitting out nonsense, while minho paid close attention to what stays had to say. he was attentive when it came to what they had to say, always wanting to know what they had on their mind.

he read nothing but positivity, smiling softly as he saw all the approval and praise that their fans were giving them.

but then, he saw it.

anonymous  
this comeback would have been so much better without minho. seriously, why is he still here? his vocals aren’t good, his looks aren’t good, his dancing isn’t good. don’t see why he didn’t stay eliminated when he was eliminated.

subtly, minho leaned back and let his face fall. is that what they really thought? it couldn’t have been true, right?

minho stood up abruptly, startling some of the other members.

“sorry, I’m not feeling good. I’m going to head to bed early tonight,” he stated, smiling to the rest of the group that he called his family.

they wished for him to feel better, before minho made his way out. he made his way into his shared bedroom in the dorm, crawled into his bed, and closed the curtain he kept for privacy. after all, you never really had time to yourself when living with eight other boys.

minho wasn’t sure how long he laid in the dark in his bed, but it had to have been somewhat long once he heard the others he shared the room with making their way to their own beds.

he listened to them wishing goodnight to each other, before silence fell upon the room minutes later. the only sound you could hear was slight snoring from the other side of the room.

minho didn’t sleep that night.

*

of course minho was exhausted the next day. they were in the practice rooms, nonstop dancing all day to perfect their choreography even more. it had to be absolutely perfect, they were idols after all.

chan called for a five minute break, leaving all of the members to scramble for their bags to snatch up their water bottles. minho stood off to the side, his arms crossed as he stared at himself in the mirror.

he sighed, dropping his arms to his sides. thousands of thoughts were running through his head in the span of one second, all on the comment he had read the night prior.

for the few hours that they had been practicing he had messed up several times, something he rarely ever did when it came to dancing. he was always confident in himself, and he was afraid that his thoughts were just following him around in neon signs. 

he was beyond frustrated, knowing that what that person had said was what was slowing him down. but a part of him thought it wasn’t, and agreed that they were right. his dancing wasn’t good. it never was.

chan called the members back, and they began practicing once more.

*

“okay guys! practice is over and our schedule is clear for the rest of the day, anybody down to go get some lunch?” chan asked, clapping his hands together as a smile shined on his face. the members agreed, glad to finally get a break.

“you guys go on and eat, i’m just going to stay here and practice more,” minho said monotonously, his eyes avoiding the rest of his members. if his looks weren’t good, maybe he should watch what he was eating. he would start a diet, he thought.

“you sure, hyung? we’ve been practicing all day and we all know you didn’t sleep last night,” hyunjin said, a bag slung across his shoulder. minho just mumbled out a ‘yeah,’ still avoiding their gazes.

the boys seen made their way out of the door, slight chatter between them.

“minho hyung.”

minho turned around at the moment he heard the sound of the sweet voice, eyes locking with jisung’s.

“what’s up?”

jisung approached him, dropping his bag and hugging him. “i’ll bring you back some food, okay? i can tell you’re having a bad day and are tired. please don’t push yourself to the point of exhaustion!” he said, nuzzling his face into minho’s neck.

minho chuckled. he should’ve expected a reaction out of jisung, the two had always been close. practically inseparable.

“okay, sungie. but you don’t have to worry, i’ll be okay. have fun at lunch!”

and at that, jisung gave him a bright big smile and waved. he shouted a ‘bye hyung!’ before running out the door.

minho didn’t return back to the dorms until late into the night, once he knew everybody (including chan himself) would have been asleep.

*

several days had soon gone by since minho read the comment, and the thoughts on it were affecting him more.

he felt absolutely stupid for letting him get so down about a dumb comment, to let a simple hater control what he was thinking and what he was doing. but no matter what he did, he couldn’t get the thoughts out of his head. every vocal lesson his voice wasn’t confident, every dance practice he found himself insecure with both his dancing and his figure, and after every meal he found himself locked in the bathroom, hunched over the toilet with water running from the faucet. most nights for him were sleepless, and he slowly felt the exhaustion and fatigue catch up to him.

but he couldn’t stop.

stays were counting on stray kids, were counting on minho himself as well. and now that he knew what one thought, he was positive that hundreds of others thought too. of course he wasn’t good enough to be in stray kids, he should have known that the day he got eliminated.

when cameras turned off and he was alone, his confident persona immediately turned off. he often found himself sitting on his bed with the curtain shut, or in an empty room, crying. he cried and cried and cried, hating himself for the fact that he was letting this happen. he let a dumb comment hurt him. he felt weak, he felt stupid. he felt worthless.

was he really strong if this is what he had become?

he felt a certain way of sadness, one he wasn’t familiar with. one that made him feel as if he was alone, even though he had all these friends to turn to.

*

it had been almost a month.

the rest of the group was blind as to what was happening to minho, his facade too good to be seen past unless he broke down in front of you.

his weight had dropped, his eyes beginning to look even more sunken in with the help of dark bags under his eyes. his dancer’s thighs began to slim out, and slowly he started to see his ribcage.

he hated what was becoming.

on a day he was alone in the dorms, he was sitting on one of the bathroom’s tubs, hugging his knees as he cried to himself. he was in nothing but a baggy white shirt, and a pair of black sweatpants that became too loose on him. the bathtub was full of water ice cold water, his whole body shivering.

the lights were off and the door was closed, along with the curtain. he wasn’t sure what the others were out doing, but he knew he didn’t want to go. he wanted to be alone.

he sat in the freezing water for a while, paying attention to nothing but his thoughts. he was so caught up in them, he didn’t hear the front door open or the footsteps approaching the door. he paid no attention to the soft ‘minho?’ that came from behind the door.

his eyes were blurry from his tears, he couldn’t tell that it was jisung who had came into the bathroom and found him, soaked head to toe.

“min, what are you doing?” he asked, his voice laced with worry and concern.

“s-sungie, who else c-came h-home?” minho mumbled through his shivering and his sobs, pulling his legs closer to his chest as he leaned against the wall of the tub.

“just me, minnie,” sungie answered, his eyes widening as he felt the temperature of the water, “min, the water is freezing! what on earth are you doing?” he asked once more, his hand quickly going to the drain, unlatching it and allowing the water to slowly drain away.

minho didn’t respond, instead he just cried. words didn’t escape his lips, nothing but pained sobs emitted from him.

jisung quickly ran out of the room, coming back with dry clothes. he pulled a towel out of the bathrooms closet, before kneeling down next to minho once more.

“minnie, you gotta get out of these clothes. can you do that for me please?” he asked, his voice steady and comforting.

minho shook his head, not wanting to move. jisung sighed, before taking matters into his own hands and moving apart minho’s limbs to slip his shirt off. the moment he did, he gasped quietly, a hand cupping over his own mouth.

jisung could see minho’s ribcage jutting out through his skin. when had his hyung gotten this skinny?

he then slipped off minho’s sweatpants (with the help of minho himself), not quickly realizing how slim his thighs had become.

“minnie, i’m gonna have to take your boxers off. is that okay?” jisung asked, a hand reaching out to minho’s face. he hated how hollow his cheeks felt.

minho nodded, not giving a care in the world as to what was happening. he let jisung dry off his body, before slipping off his boxers and slipping on another.

once instructed, he lazily raised his arms for jisung to slip a hoodie over his head, helping him pull his arms through. he moved slightly, letting him pull the new pair of sweats up his legs.

and that’s when jisung realized the way they barely clung to minho’s hips, the way that the sweats didn’t fit his thighs the way he used to. minho had gotten incredibly skinny in the course of a month.

he picked the older up out of the tub, alarmed out how light he felt in his arms. jisung brought minho to his bed, shooting jeongin a text about how the older would be staying in their room tonight. he smiled at his reply.  
jisung  
hey, minho hyung is gonna sleep in our room tonight. that ok with u? i’ll just share my bed with him.

jeongin  
sounds good to me!

he chuckled, he could hear the younger’s happy voice through his message. but at the sight of the next message, an uneasy feeling settled in his stomach.

jeongin  
hyung has been really distant lately. lucky that you get to spend time with him haha.

jisung  
haha yea, he has.

jisung looked up from his phone, eyeing the elder. he hated the way that he was just lying there, not bothering to move his body. he was still shaking, his skin cold to the touch.

jisung sighed, quickly slipping into his pajamas before laying down next to minho on his bed. he pulled the blankets over the two of them, and pulled minho close. he felt scared when he heard minho’s shaking breaths, not knowing if it was from being cold, afraid, or both.

minho fell asleep quickly, it was still clear that he had not been getting sleep. jisung thought carefully as he waited for the members to arrive home.

the moment he heard the front door open, he slowly but quietly got out of his bed, careful to not wake minho, and bolted out of his room to the others.

jisung sharply took the corner from the hall to the living room where the doorway was, startling the seven other boys. he was breathing heavily, not from exhaustion but from fear.

“m-minho, he- when i got home he was- oh my god, he was-” jisung stuttered, not sure what to say.

“hey, hey, slow down. what about minho?” woojin asked, putting his hands on jisung’s shoulders.

jisung took a deep breath, sharing a quick glance with jeongin before turning his attention back to woojin. chan had stepped up beside him, obviously concerned at jisung’s panicked state.

“when i- when i got home, i heard crying. like, really painful crying. i knew minho hyung had stayed home so i, i searched the dorm for him and oh my god the way i found him hyung, i was so scared,” jisung said hands flying up into his hair. “i found him in the t-tub, he was completely clothed and the water was freezing, i don’t- i don’t know why he was in there, but the sounds of his cries and just the way he looked wasn’t good. it wasn’t right.”

the seven boys talked amongst themselves, worry all in their eyes. this behavior wasn’t like minho at all.

“wait- wait,” jisung waved his hands, grabbing attention from the others once more, “i was changing him into dry clothes and he was so, so skinny. his ribcage stuck out so far, and his sweatpants were way too big for his hips, they looked like they were going to fall off. and his thighs were so small, i- i don’t know why none of this noticed this before.” jisung cried out, rubbing his eyes harshly. he knew tears were about to spill.

“chan hyung, what’s wrong with minho?” jisung cried, suddenly clinging onto the leader as sobs racked through his body.

“wait,” seungmin suddenly interrupted, taking a step forward, “minho hyung has been skipping out on group meals a lot. and the last few times i have seen him eat, it’s been a lot. and he always goes to the bathroom straight away, the faucet always running while he’s in there. do you think minho is- is bulimic?”

jisungs eyes widened, he quickly pulled away from chan and his hands flew back into his hair once more. he squatted to the ground, nothing but worry and fear running through his head.

“there isn’t anything we can do about this right now, sung, minho’s asleep.” chan said, kneeling down next to him. “the most we can do is confront him, or give him time to come to us. however it appears this has been going on for a long time, so we shouldn’t wait. if anything, jisung, you should be the one to talk to him.”

jisung nodded quickly, agreeing. he wasn’t sure what was hurting minho, but he knew he wanted it to stop. he wanted his minho to be back.

the seven dispursed into their shared bedrooms, hardly getting sleep. jeongin decided to let jisung have the room to himself with the exception of minho, choosing to lay with hyunjin instead.

jisung climbed into his bed once more, observing the way minho’s face looked. though peaceful in his sleep, he knew that there was some type of war raging in the older’s mind. he pulled minho close, feeling somewhat at ease when he felt minho lean into his touch. and at that, he had somehow fallen asleep.

*

minho had woken up, his body cramped from being curled up next to jisung so long.

next to jisung. he was laying next to jisung.

jisung had found him last night.

abruptly, minho had detached jisung’s arms from his body and sat up. he climbed over him, careful not to wake him, and ran out of the bedroom. unlucky for him, he crashed right into bang chan.

“oh- hey, minho. has jisung talked to you? we’re all very worried.” chan said, a look in his eyes. minho frowned, and just stared at chan confusingly. did jisung tell them about how he found him?

“why are you worried about me? i’m fine, i can take care of myself.” minho said, then pushing past the older and making his way into his own room. he changed into his clothes and grabbed his phone that he left there last night. once leaving, he saw jisung leave his and jeongin’s shared room, running a hand through his hair.

minho was mad, of course jisung had said something. he was jisung and he cared about minho more than he cared about himself.

but did he really have to tell the rest of the members? minho would be fine on his own. he was an adult, he could take care of himself, couldn’t he? everything that was happening to him was stupid. it was going to end eventually, one way or another.

“minho hyung, can i talk to you?” jisung asked, tapping minho on the shoulder.

minho turned, another frown falling onto his face, “no. i don’t want to hear it.” he stated, turning around to make his way to the front of the dorm. jisung chased after him, clearly in a frenzy.

“w-wait, hyung! please let me talk to you, i’m worried!” jisung shouted, gripping onto his shoulders. minho shoved him off, not feeling anything when he heard jisung fall to the floor. he slid on his sneakers, leaving the dorm all the while slamming the door behind him.

minho shoved his hands into the pocket of the hoodie he was wearing, visibly angry and tense. he knew jisung had the right to be concerned, but he didn’t have to go and tell the members. if anything, it was minho’s business.

minho walked to the furthest park from the dorm, just so his members wouldn’t find him, and sat down on a bench. he opened his social media and logged into his personal accounts, scrolling through various posts by his family and friends and some random accounts he followed. he sighed, that feeling from earlier coming back and settling itself in his stomach.

minho turned off his phone, feeling tears running down his cheeks. he didn’t know what was happening to him. he didn’t know how to fix it. minho didn’t know how to feel like himself again without pretending.

he cried and cried, allowing the tears to roll down his cheeks. how many times was he going to cry? was he really that weak?

then, he flinched.

“excuse me mister, are you okay?” a soft, high pitched voice called out. minho looked up from the spot he was staring at the ground, meeting eyes with a little girl who had to be at least seven years old.

minho shook his head, “no, but i’ll get better.”

the little girl tilted her head, a confused look on her face. “what’s your name, mister? and what do you mean?”

minho chuckled at the little girl’s innocence, “my name is minho. and i mean that something happened and it really hurt me, but i’ll get over it eventually.”

“oh, my name is jihyo. and what happened? how did you get hurt? my mommy kisses my booboos when i get hurt, i can kiss yours!” jihyo exclaimed, her eyes bright.

minho laughed once more, shaking his head. “my booboo isn’t physical. somebody said some really mean words to me, and it really hurts.” he replied, giving jihyo a soft smile.

jihyo frowned, crossing her arms. “a bully! are you being bullied, mister minho? bullies aren’t nice, my mommy says you should report them and tell your parents when somebody bullies you! have you told your mommy?”

“no jihyo, i can’t talk to my mom that often. i’m an idol, i’m very busy.”

jihyo hummed, putting a finger against her mouth and tapping it. she was thinking. suddenly, her eyes widened and she placed her hands on minho’s knees, leaning forward.

“i can tell my mommy! she can help you, she helps people a lot!” jihyo exclaimed, clearly not giving up on helping minho.

“if you think she can help me, then go get her,” minho said, patting jihyo’s head. she nodded, running off to the other side of the park to get her mother, pulling her over by her hand to minho.

“mommy, this is minho! he’s being bullied and he’s really sad mommy, do you think you can help him, please please please?” jihyo asked her mother, pulling on her sleeves. the woman chuckled at her daughter’s hyperactivity, then turned her attention to minho.

“hello minho, my name is hyunjae. i’m sorry if jihyo is bothering you, but are you okay?” the woman asked, bending down in front of minho to be eye-level with im as he was sitting.

“it’s okay, she wasn't. and honestly, i’m not, but i don’t really want to talk about it,” minho said to hyunjae, averting his gaze.

hyunjae nodded, before pulling something out of her pocket. it was a business card.

“minho, take this. i’m a psychiatrist, and if you ever need help i’ll be here for you. and i’m sure jihyo would love to see you again, wouldn’t you ji?” hyunjae asked, turning her head to smile at her daughter.

jihyo nodded aggressively, “yes! i would love to see you again mister minho, let’s be friends!” she yelled a bright smile on her face. minho laughed, agreeing to the girl’s proposal.

“thank you so much, hyunjae. i appreciate this.” minho said, taking the card. hyunjae nodded her head, minho understanding that it wasn’t a problem and she would be glad if she could help.

hyunjae stood up, telling jihyo that it was time to go.

“goodbye. mister minho! i hope to see you again!” jihyo stated, before skipping away while holding her mother’s hand. minho smiled, at least something good came out of him storming out of the house.

minho opened his phone once more, looking at the various missed calls and unread texts from his members and their management. he sighed, one of his hands pulling at his hair. of course everybody was going to be both mad and worried, he stormed out of the dorm and they had practice today. he couldn’t go back to the dorm now. it had already been a really long time, and there was no way he was going to go back just to be yelled at by management.

minho leaned back, pulling his hood over his head. he was feeling cold, but he wasn’t going to be going back home anytime soon. instead, he walked to the nearest gas station, deciding to actually put something in his stomach.

minho walked down the chip aisle, examining every bag and trying to find the one with the least amount of calories. he then pulled a water bottle out of the fridges, making his way to the cash register.

“hyung no, that’s gross! can we get this instead, please? he’ll prefer this more than that!” a familiar voice called out, followed by another.

“fine, you know him best. we’ll get this one.”

minho glanced behind him, spotting jisung and hyunjin standing in another aisle of the grocery store. his eyes widened, and quickly he made his way to the register, putting down his things quickly. he didn’t bother talking to the cashier, and just kept his head down. he heard the other two making their way towards the register.

minho quickly handed the cashier his money, taking his bag. “keep the change,” he whispered out, quickly turning around and making his way towards the entrance.

unfortunately for him however, the world seemed to slow down as he locked eyes with jisung. all his senses shut down, and nothing but fear filled his body. he heard a distant “hyung!” as jisung turned towards him, but minho was too quick and ran out of the grocery store, dropping his bag and sprinting away in an unknown direction.

minho stopped running after what felt like an eternity, collapsing to the ground. he grabbed his chest, barely breathing. he was already fatigued, and just made it worse than himself. he was laying on the ground, his vision fading in and out, wheezing trying to get air into his lungs.

he blinked his eyes rapidly, trying to keep himself awake. he couldn’t faint in the middle of a sidewalk, that would just make him look weaker.

he heard yelling from afar, different voices reaching his ears at once. it confused him.

he tried his best to lift himself up, but the next thing he knew he couldn’t see and his head was hitting the cement, hard.

*

minho wakes up, laying in jisung’s bed once more. he coughed, his body tired and his lungs feeling weak. he got out of the bed slowly this time, since he was laying in it alone. his head spun as he got up, but he made his way out of the room anyways.

minho walked into the living room, seeing the eight others sitting and chatting. it all went silent when they noticed him.

“minho, please sit. we all need to talk to you.”

he knew this was coming.

this time, he sat down calmly. he had no way to leave this time, and knew that it would be a bad idea. so instead he had decided this time he would listen to their concerns, not upset this time but fearful and anxiety driven.

“minnie, we’re really worried about you,” jisung said first, of course sitting the closest to him. jisung’s eyes were sparkling, tears close to spilling. minho thought they looked pretty, something about jisung’s eyes put that warm feeling he hadn’t felt in a month back into him.

chan spoke next, “minho, we’ve all noticed how you’ve been acting lately. jisung told us about last night and how he found you, and we all took note on how skinny you look now. it’s clear something is wrong, and we just want you to talk to us.”

minho knows chan has had his fair share of mental problems, going through plenty of rough patches throughout his life, even more since their debut and the survival show. but chan was the leader, the stress on him was the greatest on him out of everybody. chan had a reason to feel the way he did, minho was just weak. minho didn’t have a reason besides being weak.

a new thought popped into his head at that very moment,

he felt useless. he was useless.

“i don’t want to talk about it, it’s stupid and it’s my business. i can fix it on my own,” minho stated, his voice blank but fear coursed through his veins.

“minho, you have to promise us that you’ll be okay. our tour is in less than a week, and our international fansigns are coming up. promise us that you’ll be alright, and that you really will get better,” chan responded, keeping his eyes locked with minho’s.

minho just nodded, “i promise.”

that promise was loose.

for the next week before the beginning of the tour, minho pretended to get better. he forced himself to eat meals without heading to the bathroom, and forced his smiles to reach the corners of his eyes.

for once he had luck, and convinced his members that he was getting better. he somewhat was, but it wasn’t going to last long. he knew it was going to last long.

*

on the last leg of their tour, stray kids were back in korea and were in a hotel, all laughing and talking before heading to their assigned rooms. they had just had their concert that day, the last fansign the next. they were excited. 

soon, management had came in and told them to wrap it up.

after that, they had quickly dispersed. jisung was rooming with minho, chan saying that they better pair them together since they were the closest and he knew jisung would have good eyes on minho at all time.

jisung didn’t sleep in his own bed in their hotel room, instead he climbed into minho’s. this time, minho wrapped his arms around jisung. the younger fell asleep quickly, but the older stayed up for most of the night with a bad feeling settling into his stomach.

minho put his facade back up at the fansign, smiling and flirting with fans. the time was going by quickly, and it seemed like they were almost done way too quickly. all the fans had been so nice to minho, complimenting him and giving him the gifts they had brought.

and then, the next fan moved on to him.

this fan was a girl, had to be sixteen years old. she frowned once she sat across from minho, not giving him any of the gifts she had in the bag next to her, not bothering to push her album towards him either.

she leaned forward and lowered her voice,

“you shouldn’t be in stray kids, lee minho. you got eliminated for a reason. either leave the group or just get rid of yourself already, stays don’t want you here.”

minho’s face dropped, he felt his whole world crashing down on him right then and there.

“you’re ruining the group, lee minho. you’re the worst member, you are talentless and useless and you need to get out.”

then, she moved onto the next.

for the rest of the fansign, minho wasn’t himself. he wasn’t smiling as much to their fans, and he wasn’t flirting with them anymore either. it was out of character.

he didn’t even bother to pretend to be happy when they all sang a few songs and talked to their fans, just wishing that the fansign would end. it felt like it was going too slow now.

once the fansign was over and everybody was back in their hotel rooms asleep, minho snuck out of the hotel and to the nearest store with a pharmacy. he bought himself a bottle of sleeping pills and a box of razors, then made his way back to the hotel. he stuffed them into his personal bag.

minho started self harming two hours later.

*

stray kids returned to their dorm a day later, glad to finally have a break. they all crashed the moment they got home, taking showers and then falling into their beds to sleep until the next comeback.

minho had been awfully silent the moment they got back, climbing into his bed and closing his curtain with a notepad and a pen. he wrote to his hearts content, silently crying as he reread the note over and over. his members wouldn’t miss him after they read his note, he knew that. but for some reason he had cried.

after finishing his note, he hid it under his pillow and pretended to be asleep. he waited for the other eight to fall asleep, before slipping out of his bed and bringing the note pad with him. he put the notepad on the table in the living room, before slipping on a pair of shoes. he closed the door loudly, something in him deep down hoping that he woke up a few of the members with it, or that they weren’t asleep in the first place and would grow suspicious.

*

jisung wasn’t asleep, he couldn’t sleep. he was worried about minho. the older had been acting weird ever since the last fansign, staying quiet and not bothering to smile.

and then, he heard the sound of the front door slamming shut.

jisung quickly sprung out of the bed, running across the ice cold floor. he flicked on all the lights through every room he ran to, before stumbling into the living room and finding a notepad that hadn’t been there earlier.

he approached it quickly, not wanting to waste time. he read it as quickly as possible, soon reaching the end. tears spilled out of his eyes, and he quickly ran back around in the dorm, waking up every single member.

chan had called management frantically, saying that minho had gone missing. saying that minho had disappeared to go do something, and they had no idea where he was. management called police, and that lead to a whole group of people outside shouting “minho,” and “minho where are you,” ignoring every look that bypassers gave him.

everybody had split up, looking everywhere for minho. the whole time, jisung was having anxiety. he was trying his hardest not to breakdown, knowing his soulmate was somewhere in seoul, attempting something jisung himself couldn’t imagine.

jisung ran and ran, before coming across the gas station he had seen minho at just months prior the first time he had ran out of the dorm. he had a feeling sinking in his stomach.

jisung ran inside, making his way to the cashier before realizing he was asleep. he ran his hands through his hair in the midst of his frenzy. he turned around and made his way to leave, but something stopped him.

a thought came over jisung, telling him not to leave. not to leave the gas station, because something was there and jisung had to find it. jisung had to find him. 

jisung looked at the cashier one more time, before running towards the back to the bathroom. he tried the door knob, but it was locked. from the other side he could hear quiet crying.

minho was in there.

“minho, minho please open the door- please, please it’s jisung,” he shouted, knocking furiously and continuously shaking the door knob. seconds passed and there was no movement, the sounds of crying were coming to a stop.

jisung started to throw his whole body into the bathroom door, though it hurt. he was a light person, and probably wouldn’t have been able to break the door open if it wasn’t for the adrenaline and fear running throughout his whole body. 

once the door was opened, jisung first saw minho. and then he saw the empty bottle of sleeping pills laying on the ground.

his fear increased, and he quickly dropped to the floor besides minho, checking for a pulse. it was there, but it was weak.

jisung pulled out his phone and called 911, stating how they had called earlier on a missing boy and that he had found him in a gas station bathroom, attempting suicide. once the call was over, jisung stuck two fingers into minho’s mouth, and down his throat.

minho was still conscious, and his arms flew onto jisung’s hand, trying to pull it out of his mouth.

“i’m sorry hyung, but i have to get these out of your system, you have to throw them up.” jisung said quietly, his voice was shaky from crying so much.

a couple seconds later minho vomited, some pills clearly within it. though it grossed jisung out, he stuck his fingers down minho’s throat two more times, trying to get all the pills out of his system.

sirens blared, and several police and medical workers followed by the members swarmed into the gas station and made their way to the bathroom, finding a sobbing jisung holding minho in his arms, vomit askew on the floor. it was a sight you would never want to see.

*

minho woke up three days later in the hospital, in physical pain all over. he was surrounded by multiple people, who were all awake and started shouting the moment they noticed he was.

he was confused, his vision blurry and he had an oxygen mask covering his mouth and nose.

he then realized his attempt didn’t work.

minho started crying, his mind and body freaking out when he realized that it didn’t work, when he realized how many people were in the room and knew. he screamed once the doctor came in, catching the attention of several nurses passing by. 

they tried to calm him, but the only voice he could recognize was the sweet one.

“minho, it’s okay. it’s sungie, min. you need to calm down, you’re just in the hospital.”

minho turned his head to the way the voice came, immediately locking eyes with a familiar pair. it was jisung. jisung was sitting next to him, crying but clearly happy minho was alive. jisung was calming him down.

he stared into jisung’s eyes, and within seconds minho began to calm down fully. he glanced around the room, finally recognizing who was surrounding him. it was his family, both of them. his idol family, and his real family. all visibly crying, but happy that minho was alive. that his attempt had failed.

he then caught eyes with the doctor, anxiety coursing through his veins. he wasn’t ready to speak about it, but forced himself anyways.

he would have to eventually.

*

it took a week for minho to finally be able to leave the hospital, and to go back home with his members. it then took two weeks for the eight other members to start trusting minho again, and then three months for minho to finally start showing signs that he was getting better.

minho left the small room he had begun to be familiar with, smiling at the high pitched voiced he immediately heard.

“mister minho, how was your appointment with my mommy!”

minho smiled, squatting down as jihyo ran over to give him a hug.

“it was good, ji. i’m glad your mommy gave me her card, she has been helping me out a lot.” minho said happily.

jihyo smiled as well, hers reaching ear to ear, “i told you she helps people! mister minho, your boyfriend is waiting for you so i won’t keep you long! i hope you feel better soon and i’ll see you again!!!”

minho chuckled, before exiting into the waiting room and making his way over to jisung.

“how was your appointment?” jisung asked, letting minho grab his hand.

“you ask me that everytime sungie, it was good.” minho responded, the two making their way out out of the waiting room and into the elevator to take them to the exit of the building.

minho pulled jisung close into a hug, kissing the younger on his forehead, his cheeks, and then his lips.

“thank you sungie, for being my biggest supporter and never giving up on me.”

jisung smiled brightly, “i’ll never stop!”

the elevator doors opening and the two exited the building, quickly entering the cars awaiting them at the front.

ever since the news ‘stray kids member lee minho reportedly attempted suicide’ got out, life had been hectic for the idol group, and their schedules had loosened up to make sure something like this was never going to happen again.

and minho was sure that it wouldn’t, knowing he was happy as he could ever be in his life. his members by his side, his mental health fully in check, and his boyfriend, jisung, all made him feel better. helped him get better.

he knew nothing like this would ever happen again, no matter what the next comment said.

he was happy now, and was proud of how far he had come.

nobody else was going to break down lee minho.

fin.

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed this (: i'm sorry it was so sad, i first started writing this at midnight because i wasn't feeling that well about myself. i'm glad that i wrote this though, because it was an amazing way to express things i felt into words even though you probably won't understand shkdjhjfk thank you so much for reading!! i hope i didn't hurt you guys too much..... at least it has a happy ending!


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